Fear

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I barely attended university. 

At 18, I touched a computer seriously for the first time, and for the next two years, I was consumed by personal projects.


Looking back now,

I realize what drove me was fear. 


I was fiercely competitive, vain, and constantly aggressive. 


I obsessed over scores—and, for better or worse, I had the ability to achieve them. 


I fixated on technology and capitalism as a way to justify my aggression.


At 18, the crypto media outlet I founded took off, earning me more money than I could have imagined at my age. 


At 19, I joined a startup as a founding member, and within a year it was acquired by a publicly listed company.


Yet, despite the praise from others, I couldn’t praise myself. 


Every time an investor told me they wanted to invest, a hollow pit opened in my stomach. 


All I could do was raise my “score” in the form of money, and that realization felt suffocating.


I was vaguely afraid of people. 

Believing that others could attack me simply for existing, I sought refuge in competition. 


Defeating others became a buffer against that fear. 


Looking down on them was the simplest disguise for my own vulnerability. 


I suspect this is a path many who are fiercely ambitious, especially young men, inevitably walk—and perhaps the greatest misfortune is reserved for those who keep winning.


It was around this time that I instinctively began to explore my inner world. 


I was searching for something bigger, a light that had been inside me since childhood—immense, beautiful, and indescribable. I thought I could find it at the top of capitalism, in the energy of the real world.


But ignoring my own fear, pain, attachment, and sadness was a mistake.


Eventually, I realized something profound: all the answers I had been chasing outwardly were already within me. 


In a silent moment of clarity, I felt it—the light I had been seeking was not somewhere out there. 


It had been quietly waiting inside me all along.

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